Dear Eric: My husband has two sisters. One sister’s adult son and daughter have always been mean to me. It started when the niece and my son by my first marriage dated about five times. She talks negatively about everyone and everything.
He also told me he did not want to cause any family problems, but he also did not want to date her. I told him, do what you need to do as far as dating.
Now 20 years later, she and her brother are still rude and condescending toward me.
The last time I saw them at a funeral, I invited the nephew to come and visit. He replied, “it will never happen.” It hurts.
I have spoken to my husband about their behavior. He just says we will have nothing to do with them. His sister, their mother, has passed but now we will be seeing them at a family funeral. I dread going. I would rather stay home.
My husband insists I go. It’s a four-hour drive. Should I ask them to walk outside and try to find out why they are so mean? Or should I keep ignoring them? I only see them every couple of years.
– Talked About Aunt
Dear Aunt: If you choose to go to the funeral to support your husband, you don’t have to engage with the adult children who have been unkind to you. It takes a lot of energy for them to hold such a deep grudge over a failed relationship (if one can call five dates that). That’s clearly an engine that is going to run whether you put gas in it or not.
At this point, it’s probably wise to chalk this up to a “them problem.” I know it hurts to be condescended to, but I think you’ll be setting yourself up for more hurt by trying to push a conversation, especially since they have so far resisted having one.
Since you don’t have to see them very much outside of this funeral, try as best you can to put them and this relationship out of your mind. Some people just don’t mix, and, from your telling, you have nothing to make amends for. Best to just say, “I’m sorry for your loss” and then go be with people who respect you – your husband, his second sister, and others.
Dear Eric: I have been best friends with “Vera” for more than 35 years. She was a great support when I went through a divorce in my late 30s and always was insightful. Throughout our friendship she was always trying to “help” everyone and in the majority of cases it was unsolicited and unwanted.
Over the years, I have watched her friends distance themselves by severely limiting how often they interact with Vera. Several of her siblings are a mess and she has always bailed them out.
I am now almost 68 years old and Vera has worn me out. I found that if I speak with her more often than every five to six weeks, she cannot control herself and offers unsolicited advice and suggestions.
I have to mentally prepare myself prior to calling. I no longer share personal information because she wants to dissect and insert herself. I have very clearly told her to back off with the advice. She thinks I am angry. I’ve explained I am very annoyed that she cannot or will not respect that I don’t need “fixing”.
In spite of me clearly and repeatedly telling her if I would like her advice, I will ask but would just prefer an “ear”.
I’m at the point where I am seriously considering letting this friendship fade away. What to do?
– Tired of Being Fixed
Dear Fixed: One question that everyone should have tucked away at all times is “are you looking for advice or do you just want to be heard?” There is a vast difference and respecting it is crucial, as you’ve shown. Giving advice when none is asked for or wanted often undercuts any usefulness that the advice may have because it also communicates to the other person that their problems, and their boundaries aren’t being respected. It says, “I know what’s best and you don’t.” That’s not productive.
You’ve communicated with Vera what you need and want in terms of feedback, and she has, so far, chosen not to respect that. It may be that she can’t help herself and this friendship has run its course. Try to tell her that you’re at your breaking point. “Vera, I appreciate your friendship and I know your heart is in the right place, but I’ve asked you not to give me unsolicited advice. If that’s not something you can respect, I can’t engage with you anymore.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
